Once upon a time.....

NO NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT ANYBODY.

It never really stops does it? I was awoken this morning, sometime just before 9am, by a call from my best friend in the world, Fast Hands Two Thrusts Wilson.

Some back story for you... Gary and I met at college in 2004 and we've never looked back. We have done everything together. Travelled Eastern Europe, watched each others careers grow fast and shrink quicker. We've been there through break-ups and fuck-ups, good trips and bad come downs. You name it, we've done it.

Back to the phone call....
"Matty?"
"Eh? Aye mate...what's up? It's early"
"I know"
"Where you at?"
"Well"... **Insert (Matty realising something abnormally daft was about to happen) here **..."I'm in Edinburgh"
"What you doing there!?"
"Visiting Annia", a pause at my end.
"Alright. Why you on the phone to me? You don't sound like you're still partying mate."


At this point I should tell you that it's not unusual for me or Gary to call the other one at stupid times of the day to tell each other how much "I wish you were here man, this party is amazing. I just saw the sun come up and it made me think of you...". You know the drill.

"I'm not", said Gary.
"Well what's up", said I...
"I've got no shoes on"
"Well put your fucking shoes on! I can't do it for you over the phone! What's the matter with ya?!!"
"I'm in the middle of an Edinburgh suburb, Matty I don't know where my shoes are."

By now I'm sat bolt upright in bed. Trying to picture Gary walking barefoot through Edinburgh... It wasn't that hard to imagine.

"What?"
"I said, I don't know where my shoes are"
"No, no, I heard you. I just want to know how a man finds himself parted from his Reeboks, on street 50 miles from his house and doesn't know why?"
"I don't know. I was in a bar last night telling a joke and the next thing I know I'm talking to two strange guys. Now I've got no shoes, or bag and I don't know where Annia is and she isn't answering her phone".

Can you imagine what's going through my head at this point ladies and gentlemen? For those of you thinking "Matty!!! Get on a train and go help him", I live in London.

Thinking a bit clearer now and trying to make sense of what awoke me from my dream I say...
"Well let us not worry about said shoes and bag mate. You can live without them for now. Sha;; we concerntrate our joint efforts and try to find the person you have lost?"

Annia is a friend of ours you is from Germany. I didn't want to make any "Is that the Annia's house?" phone calls today.

"She isn't answering her phone", said Gary. "I might just need to get a train".
"Bad idea mate. If something has happened you don't want to make the police come and find you"
"Oh shit. I don't know what to do"
"I do. You try calling her again and I'll check facebook, see if I can find a number for her work. I'll call you back in two minutes to see if you have reached her on the phone".

Some time passes. Just a few minutes. I have managed to get a number for her work. It is frightening how easily you can get info on people through networking sites.

***Ring Ring***
Gary's voice, trembling now in the early morning mist, "Straight to voicemail"
"Right mate don't you worry", I said, shitting myself "I'll call her work, it's after nine. That's where she'll be and that's why she ain't answering. Now don't worry mate. This'll just be a funny story later"
"Don't blog about it, I'd be too embarressed"
"I won't mate" :-)

***Ring Ring****
"Hello, ****** ***** company, how may I help?" said a pretty, posh Scottish accent.
"Oh hello there and a good morning to you. May I please speak to Annia *****"
"Certainly sir, hold on just one minute and I will hop on to my little broom stick and find her for you... you foxy devil". Well that's almost what she said.

***Insert hold music*** Let's imagine it was "Krack" by Soulwax.... ah, that's nice.

"Hello sir?"
"Yes I'm still here me lady. How was your flight?"
"Fine. Sir, she isn't here".
"Exsqueeze me?"
"She hasn't turned up for work today. Nobody know's where she is"

***Ring Ring***
"Right Gaz? Get yourself to a police station. No fucking about now. If they don't section you for wearing nae shoes you'll be fine. Tell them exceactly what's happened and don't delay. Flag down the nearest black hackney carriage and be on your way." I always get Elizabethan when I'm in a panic.
"Where is she?"
"Don't know, she isn't at work. As far as I can tell you two went out last night, you've been drugged and robbed... of your shoes... and bag... but not your wallet or phone for reasons that'll become obvious at the end of the story... and Annia has been raped, possibly murdered and I can't deal with this right now. I know a good lawyer. I'll call him you try Annia one more time. And if she doesn't answer I'll kick your eye brows off."

By now I've choked on my cereal and I'm checking train times to Edinburgh.

As the phone rang again the sweat was blinding me....

***Ring Ring***
"Gaz?!"
"Aye mate"
"What's happening? Do I need to get on a train?"
In a sheepish tone he says..."No it's OK mate"
"Explain yourself"
"I spoke to her, she is OK"
"Where is she?!"
"At home, in bed with a Paracetamol"
"EH? I thought she was in a ditch? What happened"

Here comes the excuse....

"Well mate I asked her what happened last night and she said, "We came back to mine and fell asleep""
"You fell asleep?" I said aguast.
"Yeah. I must have woken up and thought I was in Glasgow and tried to go home and been found by two guys in the street. I think I remember waking up on their couch now actually."
"But what about the shoes man?! You were robbed of your shoes!"
"It turns out, Matty, they're at Annia's house with my bag. I must have taken them off before I went to sleep and simply forgotten to put them back on. When I left Annia's thinking I was in Glasgow but I was in Edinburgh"
"So you weren't drugged and Annia is not dead."
"No"
"How much did you drink?"
"Two Jeager's and coke"
"DICK!!!!!"

And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END