Swine flu...

I've kicked fuck out of swine flu. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I was floored for a day or two but now it's run away and just left me with a belter of a cough.

Helen has been amazing! She stayed home on Wednesday to look after me... she absolutely loved it I think! She made me M&S soup and toast, went to pick up my drugs, fluffed my pillows, made me tea, check my temperature and gave me hugs when I was being a little girl. I love Helen :-) xx

Now, I've done been soppy. Back to man chat... I was brought up in a place where leafs still came through the taps and we had to catch our dinner, it was well 'ard, so I have a pretty good immune system so I'm not ill very often. So I had to figure out how to fill my time....

Being in quarantine means I've had the chance to catch up on some amazing stuff. I'm as out of my tit's on Quincy ME and X Files as I am on Tamiflu. I watched Miss Potter yesterday and finished my "Cornwall's History" book. I've been reminded just how boring News 24 is, how much I hate Richard Hammond, how funny that Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones darts sketch is from Not The Nine O'Clock News and I've had a new chance to watch Scanner Darkly and try and understand it this time.

..... And I've discovered a hidden old gem called Home to Roost staring John Thaw. John Thaw is a legend and this little sit-com is a belter.

My head feels a little bit clearer today although I'm still struggling to concentrate. But I've had a go at a bit of writing and if I can I'm going to do some work. I might watch Flight of the Navigator too... and maybe the Corpse Bride and do a bit of research for my book... we'll see.

Now I'm knackered.
MM xx

A little sumin sumin..

The holiday is over, my summer touring schedule is finished, Nick and Jana are married and some twat has released the Lockerbie Bomber.

Last Friday brought my holiday to a frightening holt when I was dropped at Newquay airport (for airport read locker room) where I was due on the 1250 to Edinburgh. I hate flying. I find it hard enough to get on a real plane with jet engines but this had propellers and was about two feet off the ground. Anyway there was nae harm done and after I'd shaken my way up to Edinburgh I made it just in time for sound check.

Later we went and had a bit of a look at the festival. I can't say no to a flyer so I ended up with about 80 invites to comedy shows, plays, gigs and poetry readings. It's such a vibrant place during the festival. Unfortunately I wasn't there long enough to enjoy it. After the show I was sent straight back to the train station and was on an overnight train back to London. I got home at 0710 on Saturday morning and left the house to get to Nick and Jana's wedding in Surrey for 1000! It was a long day.

Moving on now we are off until the second week in September. We are starting rehearsals I think on the 12th and we're back on the road on the 16th. Any of you who want to come to a show check out myspace.com/tommyreillymusic

Dae it
MM

Rick Steins Sea Food Restaurant...

The meal that nearly killed me across the road from a car park in Cornwall.
16 August, 2009.

Muscles


A total kick in the stones. Normally one of my favorite dishes on any sea food menu. Why add chillies to muscles Rick? That's like putting garlic on chocolate.

That said I still ate the whole lot with no exceptions and I'm glad I did. Because I need something to fill me up....

Crab


I'm really glad I ordered the crab because it means I won't order it again. The experience was great and when I managed to get to some meat it tasted lovely but it was too much like hard work. If you think I'm making it up go and order a full crab and get back to me. A nightmare. Never again.

Pinot Grigio


The wine was amazing though! The best thing about the first two courses. I have noticed that you can really tell a great, expensive restaurant by the wine they serve.

Raspberry Souffle

It broke my heart to eat this. Somebody quite clearly put their heart and soul into it. Served beautifully risen and I managed to eat it before it was flat. Bonus.

Coffee

To finish a delicious Illy coffee complete with a miniature flap jack and a chocolate brownie. Back of the net.


Lots a love
M xxx

So far in Cornwall...

We've been in Cornwall for a few days now and I'm loving it. We are staying at the 5 star Rosehill Lodges in Porthtowan, which I believe is on the North bit of the leg. We are about 10 minutes away from Truro where we played on the last tour. We have a hot tub on the veranda nd a king size bed in each room. It is set peacefully about 10 minutes walk from the beach where, on Thursday morning, I am going for a surfing lesson.

Yesterday we went to the Eden Project. It is a futuristic Eco-friendly park built on the sight of an old clay quarry with two huge Biomes (one which was used in a James Bond film a few years back!) one filled with the Mediterranean habitat and the other a tropical rain forest, complete with ants! They are designed to educate us on what we are doing wrong, how to put that right and what we can do as an alternative. It serves to inspire and encourage rather than frighten us into action. It's kinda nice. We happened to pass one Eco-warrior telling a group of young children how to light fire with sticks and how to most effectively use doc leaf to fight a nettle sting. It's all interesting stuff!



On Sunday we visited Predieux Place in Padstow. It's a massive stately home was completed in 1592 and has the same front door today as it had then. Even the same lock and key. The Predieux family (Now known as the Predieux-Brunes) can trace there ancestry back to the crusades in the 11th century. In fact, I believe our tour guide told us that the present Master is William the Conqueror's 15 times great grand son. The family also owns the oldest herd of fallow deer in the country which can be traced back to when the Roman's were here. It is thought that this herd were enclosed in 435AD and legend states that when the deer die out so will the family.

The most amazing thing for me was in the library though. Among the many amazing first editions there are hand written copies of the first two editions of Dr Samuel Johnson's dictionary.... they must take the prize. I nearly fell over. I know you don't care.

I have fallen in love with a new type of cheese as well. Cornish Yarg it is called. It's a semi-hard cheese hand wrapped in nettle leaves and goes great on a Ryvita. I had some with a glass of rouge the other night and watched Morse. I'm getting old and I love it!

On the way down here we stopped at a Little Chef. The only reason I'm telling you this is because it was the Little Chef in Popham that has been recently revamped by Heston Blumental. The menu was pretty sweet and Michael and I took down the "Olympic Breakfast". Fuck you Olympic Breakfast.


Even before we got to Little Chef I saw the most amazing sight. For those of you who haven't figured it out yet I'm a history geek. I'm a dam cool, sexy and rock'n'roll pop star but I am also a freaky geek. We drove past Stone Henge!!!!!!! I nearly shat. We couldn't stop which sort of broke my heart. What also broke my heart was the fact that we were driving past thousands of years of history. Driving past it. It should be left well alone if you ask me. We've nae respect.

Roon ye
That's enough for now
MM xx

Culture day...

From Gabriels Warf to the National Portrait Gallery. From Globe Theatre to The Clink. Culture day was a great wee time. My highlight though was definitely St. Paul's Cathedral so I've decided to tell you a bit about that place... because I've been lazy and not written for a few days I've forgotten quite a lot of what happened... I am on my holidays... So...

There has been a Cathedral or at least some form of church on this site since around 604AD. The latest is the forth or fifth incarnation and was designed by Sir Christopher Wren a few centuries back and built after the Great Fire of London in 1666. It opened in the early 18th century. Sir Wren now lies beneath in the crypt with, among others, a guy called Nelson and a dude called Arthur Wellesely, Duke of Wellington. He had a big noise. They both like a good fight.

After I got over the fact that there is a memorial in there to a guy called "Roberts" we climbed up to the Whispering Gallery. The acoustics are so good up there that you can literally whisper from one side of the dome and be heard perfectly on the other, hence the name.

The dome also boasts' one of the most remarkable painted roofs of all time. Painted by Sir James Thornhill it is surely a rival to the Sistine Chapel. Legend has it that James nearly fell to his death while painting this masterpiece. Saved only by an apprentice who deliberately smudged some paint so that Thornhill would leap forward in protest. Had he not he would have fallen from the scaffold and surely perished on the floor.

We climbed more than a thousand steps in total to get to the Stone Gallery. We both suffered some dizzy spells on the way up the spiral stair case. It gave me the boke. It was well worth it though to see the panoramic views of London from the top.

Anyway thats it for now.
Good talk
M xx


DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE JUST DISCOVERED THAT I DELETED ALL MY PICTURES FROM ST PAUL'S. BAD BAD NEWS. I PAID £8.50 FOR THAT AS WELL.

Once upon a time.....

NO NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT ANYBODY.

It never really stops does it? I was awoken this morning, sometime just before 9am, by a call from my best friend in the world, Fast Hands Two Thrusts Wilson.

Some back story for you... Gary and I met at college in 2004 and we've never looked back. We have done everything together. Travelled Eastern Europe, watched each others careers grow fast and shrink quicker. We've been there through break-ups and fuck-ups, good trips and bad come downs. You name it, we've done it.

Back to the phone call....
"Matty?"
"Eh? Aye mate...what's up? It's early"
"I know"
"Where you at?"
"Well"... **Insert (Matty realising something abnormally daft was about to happen) here **..."I'm in Edinburgh"
"What you doing there!?"
"Visiting Annia", a pause at my end.
"Alright. Why you on the phone to me? You don't sound like you're still partying mate."


At this point I should tell you that it's not unusual for me or Gary to call the other one at stupid times of the day to tell each other how much "I wish you were here man, this party is amazing. I just saw the sun come up and it made me think of you...". You know the drill.

"I'm not", said Gary.
"Well what's up", said I...
"I've got no shoes on"
"Well put your fucking shoes on! I can't do it for you over the phone! What's the matter with ya?!!"
"I'm in the middle of an Edinburgh suburb, Matty I don't know where my shoes are."

By now I'm sat bolt upright in bed. Trying to picture Gary walking barefoot through Edinburgh... It wasn't that hard to imagine.

"What?"
"I said, I don't know where my shoes are"
"No, no, I heard you. I just want to know how a man finds himself parted from his Reeboks, on street 50 miles from his house and doesn't know why?"
"I don't know. I was in a bar last night telling a joke and the next thing I know I'm talking to two strange guys. Now I've got no shoes, or bag and I don't know where Annia is and she isn't answering her phone".

Can you imagine what's going through my head at this point ladies and gentlemen? For those of you thinking "Matty!!! Get on a train and go help him", I live in London.

Thinking a bit clearer now and trying to make sense of what awoke me from my dream I say...
"Well let us not worry about said shoes and bag mate. You can live without them for now. Sha;; we concerntrate our joint efforts and try to find the person you have lost?"

Annia is a friend of ours you is from Germany. I didn't want to make any "Is that the Annia's house?" phone calls today.

"She isn't answering her phone", said Gary. "I might just need to get a train".
"Bad idea mate. If something has happened you don't want to make the police come and find you"
"Oh shit. I don't know what to do"
"I do. You try calling her again and I'll check facebook, see if I can find a number for her work. I'll call you back in two minutes to see if you have reached her on the phone".

Some time passes. Just a few minutes. I have managed to get a number for her work. It is frightening how easily you can get info on people through networking sites.

***Ring Ring***
Gary's voice, trembling now in the early morning mist, "Straight to voicemail"
"Right mate don't you worry", I said, shitting myself "I'll call her work, it's after nine. That's where she'll be and that's why she ain't answering. Now don't worry mate. This'll just be a funny story later"
"Don't blog about it, I'd be too embarressed"
"I won't mate" :-)

***Ring Ring****
"Hello, ****** ***** company, how may I help?" said a pretty, posh Scottish accent.
"Oh hello there and a good morning to you. May I please speak to Annia *****"
"Certainly sir, hold on just one minute and I will hop on to my little broom stick and find her for you... you foxy devil". Well that's almost what she said.

***Insert hold music*** Let's imagine it was "Krack" by Soulwax.... ah, that's nice.

"Hello sir?"
"Yes I'm still here me lady. How was your flight?"
"Fine. Sir, she isn't here".
"Exsqueeze me?"
"She hasn't turned up for work today. Nobody know's where she is"

***Ring Ring***
"Right Gaz? Get yourself to a police station. No fucking about now. If they don't section you for wearing nae shoes you'll be fine. Tell them exceactly what's happened and don't delay. Flag down the nearest black hackney carriage and be on your way." I always get Elizabethan when I'm in a panic.
"Where is she?"
"Don't know, she isn't at work. As far as I can tell you two went out last night, you've been drugged and robbed... of your shoes... and bag... but not your wallet or phone for reasons that'll become obvious at the end of the story... and Annia has been raped, possibly murdered and I can't deal with this right now. I know a good lawyer. I'll call him you try Annia one more time. And if she doesn't answer I'll kick your eye brows off."

By now I've choked on my cereal and I'm checking train times to Edinburgh.

As the phone rang again the sweat was blinding me....

***Ring Ring***
"Gaz?!"
"Aye mate"
"What's happening? Do I need to get on a train?"
In a sheepish tone he says..."No it's OK mate"
"Explain yourself"
"I spoke to her, she is OK"
"Where is she?!"
"At home, in bed with a Paracetamol"
"EH? I thought she was in a ditch? What happened"

Here comes the excuse....

"Well mate I asked her what happened last night and she said, "We came back to mine and fell asleep""
"You fell asleep?" I said aguast.
"Yeah. I must have woken up and thought I was in Glasgow and tried to go home and been found by two guys in the street. I think I remember waking up on their couch now actually."
"But what about the shoes man?! You were robbed of your shoes!"
"It turns out, Matty, they're at Annia's house with my bag. I must have taken them off before I went to sleep and simply forgotten to put them back on. When I left Annia's thinking I was in Glasgow but I was in Edinburgh"
"So you weren't drugged and Annia is not dead."
"No"
"How much did you drink?"
"Two Jeager's and coke"
"DICK!!!!!"

And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END

Here's what's happening in your world tonight...

This week I have met Lulu, I have a new driving instructor called Mohammed Ali, travelled over a thousand miles, played one show in The Lake District, seen Lister from Red Dwarf, felt ill, been on the tele, received my very own, moulded, in ear monitoring system and I have taken to doing everything in a big, deep, booming voice as if I am Ron Burgundy. So with all that going down I have had very little time to write.

"Now out to our man in the field, Brian Fantana...."

"Thanks Ron. Having slept on the floor for four nights at Gary's famous West Glasgow Penthouse Matty has developed a serious knot in his back the size of a Panda's head. I tried to get an interview with him but I was told "No, he is a live drummer and will literally kick your eye brows off". I don't think we'll hear much from him until after the experimental surgery early next year."

"We do know that some delight was taken last night Ron, when he discovered a whole wheel of cheese in the fridge next to the milk. More good new last night came in the form of a welcome pack that arrived from the MU. A spokesman for Matty said it included;

1 x membership card (ORANGE), 1 x members' pen (RED) with the tag line "Get It In Writing" on the side, 1 x MU members' diary (baby pooh GREEN), 1 x "Approved Guidelines For Aviation Security" pamphlet (WHITE with STRIKING DEATH RED piping), 1 x Musicians Union members' handbook with an introduction from General Secretary, John Smith. Thanks Ron. Back to the studio..."

A gripping story. Compelling and rich. Well that's just about all we've got time for this evening, you stay classy San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Peace
MM xx